Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
