i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
