the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
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