she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
