Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
