I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
