i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
