i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
