we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
