i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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