did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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