My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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