i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize