Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
