Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
