yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
