gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
