You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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