Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
