I can text with my tongue
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
