saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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