I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
