Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
