so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just want nice things and good sex
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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