i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
