My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize