you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
