he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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