Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
