why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
