I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
