I'm sorry my penis didn't work
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
