oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize