your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I still have a little drunk in my system
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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