I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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