It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
