I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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