my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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