My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
this beer tastes like vomit already
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
