the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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