I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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