i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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