i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
