I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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