upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
