i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
