so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
