Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My first STD was from a foam party
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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