I got chris browned last night
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
