The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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