Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
