I cannot find my penis.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
