You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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