if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
