Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
