i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
