I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
