He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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