just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
