he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
