I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
