I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
