only you would photoshop your dick
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
