My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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