She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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