First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We need to get me chipped asap
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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