You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
