my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
