i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
