a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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